


When the world gets too heavy put it on my back.

by transgendergerard



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: FTM Spencer Smith, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Trans Male Character, binding, pretty odd era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 17:04:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11971785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transgendergerard/pseuds/transgendergerard
Summary: Spencer is having a hard time getting his binder on and his boyfriend Jon comes to the rescue.Song title is from the song "Always" by Panic! At the Disco.





	When the world gets too heavy put it on my back.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, guys! This is my first Spencer and Jon fic! I've been really into them recently so I thought I should have a go at writing them :) plus I love love the idea of trans Spencer (I'm a trans boy myself) so I thought I should add more fics of trans Spencer cause there should be more trans fics in general. 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr: www.wayswift.tumblr.com

Spencer got out of the shower and quickly put a big fluffy white towel over his body. It was a hotel night last night so taking a shower has become a luxury for whenever they're on a tour. Spencer was especially glad to be able to get a shower after the events with his boyfriend Jon last night. He won't go into detail, but what was on their body afterward was shorter than his towel. Last night was such a good night, but when he woke up this morning in Jon's arms he could tell dysphoria was going to be a bitch today. 

He felt depressed, but he knew nothing was wrong really was wrong in his mind, expect that his body didn't look like what he felt like, and especially after last night's events with Jon, he was reminded greatly of that fact. So yeah he gets really bad dysphoria after having sex almost every time, but what could a trans boy do? Nothing much apparently. He looked in the mirror that's hanging above the sink and didn't want to look at his body. He didn't want to be reminded that he had boobs or that his face looked like a girls face and not a boys face. His fingers were on the top of his towel thinking about taking it off and looking at his body, but he's not sure if it would be a good idea or not. 

His hands moved from the top to his chest to under his boobs and just moves them the tiniest amount. He winced like you would when you got shots as a kid. Spencer looked at himself one more time before putting his head down and splashed water on his face. Spencer turned around to open the door and walk into the room. He went to his suitcase and opened it and went down to the bottom of it to find his binder. It's white and half the size of a normal binder so it can pass a normal bra. 

The thing about putting a binder on and not a bra is that you have to put a binder on upside down and inside out and not just slip it on like a shirt or whatever. Spencer also went over to Jon's bed and grabbed a pair of Jon's boxers from his suitcase. He likes to wear Jon's boxers instead of own cause that's a Coping Mechanism for him whenever he has really bad gender dysphoria days. He even hides his face in them cause they smell like Jon, and sometimes he just needed that reminder. He took his towel off and quickly put the boxers on. So that way it's easier for him to at himself in the full-length mirror in the corner. 

Spencer sighed at the reflection that was staring at him from the mirror. He turned his binder inside out and then tried to put his right through the arm right arm hole, but for some reason, he couldn't keep his balance and his foot got stuck and couldn't go through. He closed his eyes to try to keep the tears from pouring down, but some managed to come down his face. This was the last then he wanted to happen right now, but here he was. He put his right leg down and then tried his left one, and again it didn't work. Why wasn't it working? Today was not the day to not wear a binder. 

They had a bunch of interviews today and he couldn't hide behind Jon during all of them. He really needed this to work. So he tried a few more times, but nothing worked. He felt defeated. Like his body was mocking him because it was his fault that his gender didn't match his physical body. Spencer breathed, or tried to at least. He turned away from the mirror and went to the foot of "his" bed and sat down and wrapped himself his towel in case anyone came in unannounced. 

He hid his face in the towel and just cried. Why was he doing this to himself? Why did he himself so much? Most girls were just fine with their boobs, why can't he be them? Why can't he be a girl like he's supposed to be? Before he went into his deep thoughts more he heard the door open. No one knocked, so it must have been Jon.   
Jon Jon Jon. Think about him. 

 

Jon opened the door with food when he saw what was going on. He knew what was going on and more importantly knew how to fix it. He put the food down on the counter and went to comfort his boyfriend. He kneeled down to his boyfriend and put his hand into Spencer's holding it and rubbing his fingers against his palm. He kissed him beneath his ear. He was the first to speak up.   
"Hey, handsome. What's wrong?" Jon said against's Spencer hair, rubbing his chin up and down his hair. 

While he wrapped his arms around Spencer's waist Spencer answered him through quite sobs. "I... I tried to put my binder on... and... I couldn't keep my balance and... I couldn't put it on." 

 

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to help you? Are you okay with that?" Jon asked in a soft voice. 

"I... yes. You can help." Spencer said, feeling defeated still. 

Jon stood up and grabbed Spencer's hand, and Spencer stood up after him. Jon leads him to the mirror and lets Spencer lean against him. Spencer put his right leg through the right arm hole and then the same with the left one without issue. And then it was just like putting on a shirt which was simple enough. Spencer finally breathed. He looked at himself and Jon behind him looking lovely. 

He gave a small smile. He turned around to Jon and just hid his face in Jon's shoulder and breathed. Like he would keep himself from having an anxiety attack. Jon didn't talk. He didn't need to. Just having him there was enough, but he did make a comment about his choice of boxers. 

"Hey, are those mine?" Jon asked looking down on Spencer. 

Spencer blushed. "Uh, yeah... I put your clothes on when my dysphoria is really bad because it makes me happy." J

Jon awww'd at that. "I love that. And I love you, so much." Jon said. 

Spencer blushed again. "I... I love you too. Thanks for helping me get dressed." Spencer said in finally in a normal tone. 

"You're welcome, even though you should probably finish doing that. I think I'm the only one who enjoys seeing you in just your underwear." Jon replied. 

"Yeah, you're right." Spencer agreed and detangled himself from Jon. 

He went over to "Jon's" bed and grab one of Jon's shirts that were his favorite. He put that on with ease and then went to his bed to grab a pair of pants. He felt Jon hiding behind him, placing a small kiss on his shoulder. 

"All ready to go? You look wonderful." Jon asked softly. 

"Yeah, I'm ready," Spencer replied. 

"Good, for once we won't have Zack banging against our door telling us we're late." 

"Oh god don't remind me of that please!" Spencer squealed. 

Jon just laughed. He went and grabbed Spencer's hand, Spencer holding his tightly. Jon gave him one final kiss on his lips before they went out the door to do a long day of interviews.


End file.
